Are You Notaninja?

You forgot one

When you are drunk, I will laugh at your ass as I help you rest your head on the toilet I just peed in.

Anyway, another good story.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy’s expense.

The deputy says,” License and registration, please.”

“What for?” says the lawyer.

The deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

Then the lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop, says the deputy. License and registration, please.”

The lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

“The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration…..please!” the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

“That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,” the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the piss out of the lawyer and says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy “friendship” poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card Just the stone cold truth of great friendship.

1. When you are sad — I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against The sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared — I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused — I will use little words.
7. When you are sick — Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
8. When you fall — I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath…. I pledge it to the end. “Why?” you may ask; “because you are my friend”.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

One for Kevy, just because it’s been awhile.

To the tune of Push It by Salt N Pepa

Ah, Goof it
Ah, Goof it

Goof, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Goof, baby, baby
Baby, baby

Get up on his!
Ow! Baby!SupaGoof’s here!

(Now wait a minute, y’all
This dance ain’t for everybody
Only the related people
So all you mothers, get on out there on Goof
GOOF, I said!)

Yo, Kevbo’s mom is in here, and she’s in mass effect
She wants the Goof, babe
Chillin’ by day then at night working up a sweat
All you other mom’s, let’s go, show the guys that we know
How to become number one in the M I L F show
Now Goof it

Ah, Goof it – Goof it good
Ah, Goof it – Goof it real good
Ah, Goof it – Goof it good
Ah, Goof it – G-Goof it real good

Hey! Ow! (Shutup!)
Goofed em good!

Goof, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Goof, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Goof it good, G-Goof it real good

Ah, Goof it
Ah, Goof it

Yo, yo, yo, yo, Kevin’s mom
Yeah, she come in here, givin Goof a kiss
Better make it last or else others gonna get pissed
Don’t you should be on Goof pumpin’ hard like you said you would?
Now do it

Goof it good
Goof it real good
Goof it good
Goof it real good

Ah, Goof it

Get up on his!

Meghan, you really got me going
You got me so I don’t know what I’m doing